You are forever in my heart , But am I ever going to be in ur heart ?

It had been raining for more than a week, so much rain it made everyday seemed so restless and gloomy. She called and said she was coming up. It was the third time she came up to see me that week. I carried her excuse of why she came all the way here and went to meet her at the nearby seven-eleven. She was standing there alone, carrying her red umbrella. Her friend had dropped her off. It was raining and she was shivering. She looked weak and fragile in the harsh rain, wearing not enough to keep her warm.

I walked up to her and said, "You shouldn't come see me anymore," and stuff like how we shouldn't be together.

She said, "I miss you."

I told her coldly, "Lets go, I'll take you home."

She did not open up her umbrella, I knew she wanted to share mine.

I said, "Open up your umbrella, let's go."

Unwillingly, She opened up her umbrella and walked with me to the car. She said she hadn't eat lunch or dinner and asked if we could stop at some place to eat.

Right away I answered with a stoned heart, "No!"

Disappointed, she asked me to take her to the train station, she said she would take the train back home.

Maybe it was the rain, all the trains were full of people with umbrellas and suit cases who were eager to get home, not caring about who just passed by. We waited and waited, she looked at me innocently. Being together for so long, of course I knew what she meant. I understand how she must feel when she came all this way here in this kind of weather and I treat her like this. With her soft eyes staring at me, I felt guilt and wanted to let her stay for the night.

But reality struck again, I said to her coldly, "Let's go try the other train station."

We were living in the same apartment building, on the same floor. Back then there were four of us, and we got along well. We would always eat dinner together, watch movies, and sometimes go camping. We were more like a family, but I didn't know I would end up falling in love with the only girl of the four. Maybe it was during the last year of college, having living together for two years, we developed deep feelings for each other. After she graduated she went back home, and I stayed for one more year to finish school. During that year I was only able to take the train down to see her on holidays, but never for long. That was how we kept the treasured relationship.

We were walking along the side of the road. She was in front of me and I was right behind her. Her umbrella had a broken spoke. She looked liked a wounded soldier, carrying her rusted rifle walking weakly. Many times, she was too into thinking or whatever she was doing, drifting off the road, she almost got hit by the cars passing by. I wanted to just take her in my arms, but with the love I had for her and the constant pain in my stomach, I did nothing. On the way, we passed by the park where we use to always go.

She begged and said, "Lets go in the park just for a little while please, I promise I'll go home right after this."

With her begging, my cold heart softened, but I still put up an annoyed face and walked in the park. I was just sitting on the benches looking like I wanted to leave. She went to the big oak tree and she was looking for something. I knew she was looking for what we wrote on that tree with a silver ink pen half a year ago. If I remember it right, it said, "Chris and Susan was here, Chris had tea and Susan was drinking hot chocolate. Hope Chris and Susan would always remember this day, always loving each other, forever." She was looking around for quite a while, then she came back slowly with tears on her face.

She said, "Chris, I can't find it, it's not there anymore."

I felt so sour inside, there was a stream of pain, flowing into my heart, the kind of pain I've never felt before. But all I could do was pretend I didn't care, and said, "Can we go now?"

I opened up my big black umbrella, she was just standing there, didn't want to leave yet, hoping there was still a chance. She said, "You made up the story of you and that other girl didn't you? I know I frustrate you sometimes, but I'll change, can't we start over?"

I didn't say a word, just looked down and shook my head. After that we just kept on walking towards the train station, didn't say a word to each other.

Four years ago, the doctor said I had cancer, but it was found early, so it was still curable. Thinking that it was okay, I started living my normal life again, and even forgot about the cancer. I didn't think about the cancer again and did not go back to the doctor. Until a month ago, my stomach was hurting for two weeks straight, and the nightmare awakened me again. First I thought the pain wouldl go away, but it grew stronger until to the point that I couldn't take it anymore. I went back to the doctor and took an X-ray. The picture came out and there was a big black spot, which proved the truth that I did not want to believe. I was at the most glittering part of my life, but it was coming to an end. I wanted myself and the people around me to go through the least pain possible, so I decided to commit suicide.

But I couldn't let people find out about my intentions, especially Susan, the person I love the most in this whole world, who still doesn't know about the truth. Susan was still young, she shouldn't have to go through this. So I made up some stories and lied to her. It was a cruel thing to do, and it broke her heart, but it was the fastest way to wipe out three years's feelings. I didn't have much time, because I would soon start to loose hair and she would find out eventually. But now I'm close to succeeding, this drama would soon be over. Thirty minutes more this would all come to an end, that was what I had in mind.

The train had stopped running so I called a taxi for her. We were just standing there, waiting, loosing our last moments in silence.

I saw the taxi from far away, I held my tears and said to her, "Take care of yourself, take good care of yourself."

She didn't talk, just nodded lightly, and then opened up her misshaped umbrella and stepped out on the street. Out in the rain, we became two single life forms, one red, one black, so far away from each other. I opened the door for her and she got in, then I close the gate that would separate me from her forever. I stood by the car, staring in the dark window, at the first love in my life, also the last one, walking out of my life. The car started, driving into the street. Finally I couldn't hold my sorrow and the twist in my heart any longer, waving my arms rapidly chasing after the taxi, because I knew, this would be the last time I see her.

I wanted to tell her I still love her, I wanted to tell her to stay, I wanted to tell her so much, but the taxi had already turned in the corner. Warm tears kept falling down my face, blended with the cold rain drops. I was cold, not because of the rain. I was cold inside.

She left, and I didn't get anymore of her phone calls even until today. I know she didn't see my tears, because they were washed away by the rain. I left without regrets. But I'm not Chris, I'm that girl Susan, using my memory, and his diary I found after one year since he left, writing down these last words.

I love you , do you know that?
Leaving this post sad ,
Joanna .You are forever in my heart , But am I ever going to be in ur heart ?

Dear Lord ,
School is crazy as per normal , teachers giving hmwk like there's no tmr . Nth can stop them , not even if we say we hav loadsa hmwk to do . Cried like twice(?) this month . So fast right ? All cuz of th same reason . I mean , if she wants to talk abt me , why not talk abt me in front of me , instead of "stabbing me on th back ." I've nvr stolen him , he's jus th closest friend I hav , besides rachael(who alw busy w/ floorball and other stuff) . Is it wrong lord ? I hav alot of questions Lord , and all are still unanswered . I'm jus waiting for ur call lord , waiting for my will from you . Lord , Stress is eating me up more quickly as time goes by . I want to spend time w/ u during CAC tmr lord , but lord , Dance is in th way .

Lord , Strength is wat I lack nw lord , when will I gather th strength to go thru all th unsolved problems i hav nw ? I'm trying to solve them one by one , but lord , hav I chosen th wrong problem to deal w/ first ? Haiish , Lord , I wan to cut , but I feel like there's a force that doesnt want me to cut , like th strength of all th ppl who doesnt want me to cut and your strength is put together , to make me stop cutting . Lord , I know that I'm destroying th body you've made for me , but Lord , I rly cant help it . Stress is eating me alive , I think it alr ate like , half of me . I'm staying strong , but for hw long will I 'stay strong' ? I'm trying to face reality , but most of th times i feel like i'm stuck in my dreamland .

Lord , I hav nth to talk abt alr, so , CIAOOO ~~
Love ,
JOANNNAYou are forever in my heart , But am I ever going to be in ur heart ?

Dear God ,
School ws rly stressful since it started , and ytd , I jus rly broke down and cried . Its not jus cuz of skul , but also cuz of friends , family and dramatical shit that's happening nw . Its not jus eating me alive, its also killin my natural happiness .

Lord, I dont want HIM to transfer to SOTA . I understand if its in ur will for him , but lord , he's th only one true friend in th skul who i can rly tell my problems to and he wont discriminate my opinions . Yes, he's not th only friend , but others seems untruee to me . Its rly hard for me to choose my real friends in that whole pile called 'friends' cuz th flukes jus keep acting like my friends and th end up backstabbing me and all . Lord , I want to spent as much time I hav w/ him , but Lord , hw long will it be b4 he leaves me alone in th school w/ no one but you to talk to? Hw long will it be before my one true friend leaves me deserted ?

Lord , I thank you for all th good and bad things that happened in my life , for I know that th bad things happen so that I can become a more stronger person spiritually . Lord , I really wan to have happiness and enjoyment in my life , and I noe that it will happen soon . But Lord , hw soon will soon be ? And hw long will it last ? Lord , I really want to know .I need to go now , maybe I'll write another letter to God soon .

I LOVE YOU GOD .

Lots of Love ,
Joanna(ur daughter)

HELLO !
Kay , as u can read in th letter to GOD ,
I cried ytd .
Stress overwhelmed me too much and I jus broke down like that .
I'm glad that I have CAC all arnd me when that happened
cuz if it happened in th b-ball court ,
I'm sure that no one will ask me wat happen .
Things kept going arnd my head . and I cant think abt anything else but th probs that made my life so darn worse .
I had alot of hugs , but th hug frm my one true friend really made me feel so much better .
I know I told him I wasnt going to talk to him , but hey ,
crying right ? hw can I not talk to him ?
Ws hugging him for a real long time (like 5 mins)
and decided to go toilet . washed my face ,
but when I came back , ppl still can see that I cried .
Then Cat class started .
sat between rach and nick ,
so that when I cry agn (which I did) ,
not alot of ppl will need to comfort me ,
cuz both of them , I know I can trust them .
Then when th first song came out , started to think abt stress agn ,
then broke down agn , but not too much nw .
had reassurances frm both of them ,
recieved tissue frm my namesake(or was it tessa ?)
Then Cat Class ended ,
went back to class .
but ppl in class , who werent in cat class , knew I cried .
wtheck ? Ws I that pale that when I cry , ppl can see ?!?!?
But as I expected , no one asked me wat happened , besides winnie .
Then blahblahblah ,
RECESS !
Nick G sms-ed me during recess to ask if I was ok ,
(see , tell me which true friend would do that ? sms in class summore .)
And so we talked all thru recess than I had geog , dun dare get caught by teacher .
than BLAHBLAHBLAH .
January babies BIRTHDAY PARTY !
ws a blast, I think , spent more than half an hr inside . ( 1++ hr ? )
Than went for CAC!
Talked abt th big rocks , small rocks .
and we sang AMANDA a belated birthday song . LOL .
than did a letter to God , and yes ,
it is th one i so specially typed agn ,
I missed some parts cuz i forgot them .
cried when writing th letter to God .
Its too emotional i guess .
Then aft that ,
we went to eat lunch tgt .
I finished first(cuz I went to th canteen first),
then followed all th gulays to reflection rm .
SMS-ed nick , cuz we still had to talk abt why i cried . LOL
He came like 3.30 plus ?
during band . LOL .
Then yeah , and a one to one talk w/ him .
then he had to go back to band , decided to lock up and go swing .
locked up , did go swing , but didnt swing .
ya know why ?
IT EFF-ING RAINED !!!
so decided to go munche's hse to dry up and wait till th rain stopped .
Nick and Alex were stuck in skul ,
cuz they didnt finish band early enough . LOL .
then Joel , Kuya , Nick went Alex's hse swim and shit .LOL .
But we went hme .
Then blah blah blah ,
nth to say ,
BUH-BYE .You are forever in my heart , But am I ever going to be in ur heart ?

WOOT!
I'm posting cuz rachael gulay forced me to . LOL .
Today , ws ok , boring .
Slept till 1++ and I slept at arnd 9 th previous night . more than 12 hrs eyh ! LOL .
Than aft mostly plurked and fb-ed th whole day . :)
Went thru timo teo's album of th BSS competition .
Found an oh-so-adorable and cute pic of apple siaaa.. :)
Ahahah , And ok ,
Fri :
wss boring ,
had free period during science , 4 boxes (otherwise known as 1h40min)
didnt use fone when ms seet came ,
used fone when mr lim came ,
and secretly used fone when another guy name mr lim also came . LOL
Got to sneak a few peeks at apple cuz he ws sitting diagonal to me . :)
First time i tried to sneak peek , caught red handed by him ,
he ws looking at me at th same time . O_O
Took a few random and funny pics,
and got to bond w/ soon hao , brandon , winnie and alp . :0
Thhen CAC !
Winnie , Victoria and Evelyn joined . Hw awesome is that ?!
sadly , vic cant go there everytime nw , as she has dance on those days .
darn it . haiish .
OK , bored nw , so I'll go off.
CIAOOO ~~

P/S : I love you .
P/P/S : Liars go to hell , and u , sad to say , are a liar .You are forever in my heart , But am I ever going to be in ur heart ?

Confused heart♥

Joanna
A total Jesus babe
Ex-concordianBrass Bander, Assumptionite now Assumptionite dancer :)
6th Sep 1996, a typical and caring

Zodiac Signs Graphics


Mann Ling,Kahh Hwee,Kar Chuen(and the rest of the emo family)♥
I LOVE GOD TO THE MAX .
Jia Ling and the rest of the Brass Banders*

Always EMO and love to be ...